Funny Jokes

Welcome to our funny jokes page. We hope you find it ..... funny. If you'd like to share your funny jokes with us, then please send them to us, and our editors will consider them for inclusion on this page.

Funny Joke of the Week

What do you call a flea on the moon?
A lunatic.

What goes oo?
A cow with no lips.

Which animal hibernates standing on its head? Yoga bear.

What key can open any lock? A pikey.

What did Good King Wenceslas order at the pizza restaurant?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

What does a person with two left feet wear to the beach?
Flop Flops.

Michael Owen Joke:
Michael Owen goes up to a girl in a bar and says "How about me taking you back to mine and showing you a good time?"
"You're a little forward", she replies.

Funny joke:

What's green and runs round your garden?

A hedge.

Humourous jokes - Italian with rubber toe:

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Good jokes - Spaceman:

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

Funny Joke - Labour Pains:

A couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. When they arrived, the doctor explained that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father.

"Okay, I'll try it" said the father.

As it would be more pain than the father had ever experienced, the doctor set the dial at 10% to begin with.

As the labour progressed the father felt fine, and asked the doctor to turn it up further, which he did, to 50%.

"I still feel fine", said the father "I don't know what women are complaining about, put it up to 100%".

The doctor did so, and was amazed how the father could take this, and the mother delivered her baby without any pain. They were very grateful to the doctor, and thanked him for letting them try his new invention.

When the couple got home, the postman was lying dead on their garden path ..

Funny Jokes - Poor Man off to the Pub

A poor man and woman were sitting in their living room when the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, that's lovely dear, you're taking me for a drink ...''

''No," replied the man, "I'm turning the heating off.''

Funny Jokes - Man in Hot Air Balloon Joke:

A man in a hot air balloon was lost when he spotted a woman on the ground below. He descended and asked her, "Can you help me? I promised to meet a friend an hour ago, but I have no idea where I am."

"Sure, said the woman, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 20 feet above the ground, you are 50 degrees north latitude and 30 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer", said the man.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "whilst everything you say may be technically correct, it means little to me, and I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

"You must be in management", replied the woman.

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems - only somehow it's now my fault!"

Funny Jokes - Cannibal Joke:

Did you hear about the cannibal who liked peanut butter? He ate his son Pat.

Funny Jokes - Last Wish Joke:

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are granted anything they want for their last meal. The first asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The second requests a fillet steak, which he is served and also taken away. The third man requests a plate of strawberries. The guards are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
" Yes, Strawberries."
" But they are out of season!"
" I'll wait..."

Funny Jokes - Three Wise Women Joke:

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

Funny Jokes - Doctor Joke:

A man walks in to the doctor's with a cucumber up his nose and carrots stuck in both ears.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
"It's obvious", the doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Funny Jokes - Oysters Joke:

Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

Funny Jokes - Hippy Joke:

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out, man.

Funny Jokes - Motorway and Cyclepath Joke:

A motorway walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He has just sat down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac, starts to panic and jumps behind the bar. "What are you afraid of?" says the barman, "You're a six lane motorway and he's just a piece of tarmac." The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

As you can see, we desperately need help. If you do too, then try these books:

 

Click to buy The Penguin Dictionary of JokesThe Penguin Dictionary of Jokes, Wisecracks, Quips and Quotes
Probably the finest, funniest, most up-to-date collection of gags, rib-ticklers and plain silly one liners ever.

 

Click to buy the Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes from Amazon The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes: Over 2,000 One-Liners, Straight Lines, Stories, Gags, Roasts, Ribs and Putdowns
Has jokes on childhood, holidays, sex and much more. If you want to be the life of the party get this book!

 

Click to buy The Biggest Pub Joke Book Ever! 2 from AmazonThe Biggest Pub Joke Book Ever! 2
Packed with over 2,000 of the best quality pub jokes available. All of the jokes are geared towards an adult audience - specially selected for use in pubs, clubs and at parties.

 

Click to buy Bloke Jokes 3 from Amazon "New Woman " Bloke Jokes 3
New Woman Bloke Jokes 3 is the third collection of the best and funniest witticisms about men.


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